


'Tis Better To Have Loved

by notoriously



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Backstory, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-20 19:27:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11341788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notoriously/pseuds/notoriously
Summary: They've been doing this dance for almost a year now, on and off, in different ways. But with the death of Dumbledore bringing up emotions neither quite knew the other had, they both take leaps of faith and learn the virtues of following one's heart, even in trying times.





	'Tis Better To Have Loved

**Author's Note:**

> "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Alfred Lord Tennyson

“… Is now the moment to discuss it?”

Remus brought his hand up to his face, wiping at some tears which still lingered. His breath had, unintentionally and subtly, hitched in his throat as he heard the woman’s voice from behind him.

“Dora – “

“Please don’t call me that right now, Remus.”

He stood and turned around to see Tonks in front of him, her hair as limp and as dull a brown as he’d ever seen it. And he had seen it more vibrant than ever at points over the last year or so. Things had been messy in both their personal and professional lives. They had met at the reformation of the Order, and their friendship solidified fast, transforming quickly into more. Friends with benefits seemed too juvenile and honestly, not enough. It was a secret relationship in everything but name, because Remus wouldn’t put that burden on Tonks. For a while, she didn’t mind the lack of a label. But everything changed once she told him she’d fallen for him – she was in love with him, and he panicked. And then Sirius died – Sirius, who Remus had truly loved as a younger man and still loved to that day. Tonks regretted not reaching out – Remus had been avoiding her, and after all, she had not known him for as long as Sirius had. She stood by and watched as he volunteered to live among the werewolves, a place she knew she could not tread. It broke her heart, and his was broken too.

The next few months saw Remus playing spy, only reappearing sporadically at drop points to report back and to restock on supplies. Every time he came back, she was there to monitor the drop point with one or two other members of the Order. Every time she wanted to be mad and he wanted to be distant. And to onlookers, they were. But without fail, before he left to go back to the werewolves, they would meet up. And despite themselves, despite knowing what they knew they would sleep together. It was nothing like the sex they’d had when they were in their not-a-relationship. It was desperate and intense – they wanted to feel as much as they could in as short a time as possible, because they knew the world could collapse around them at any moment.

Every time they parted, they felt like it already had.

The encounters became fewer and further between, and by the time the battle happened at Hogwarts, Remus and Tonks had not seen one another for almost two months. The battle itself was a blur – Greyback was there, Bill got attacked and –

Dumbledore was _dead._

In the aftermath, everything went by in a whirlwind. She remembered vaguely talking to Harry, but nothing specific – the first things she really remembered were Fleur’s words to Molly. They were harsh and adamant about the love she had, and would continue to have, for Bill.  And it sparked something inside Tonks. She looked to Remus, who she had found herself standing beside, and burst forth with a proclamation of her love. He rebutted her, but she was swelled by the support of the room. Molly and Arthur bolstered her cries, but Remus pushed them aside. Dumbledore was gone, after all. Even after a quick word from McGonagall, the conversation was done for the moment. After a few more moments, they all left for one reason or another, leaving Molly and Arthur with their son. Remus rushed off, and Tonks almost followed him. At the last moment, she decided against it, instead treading some of the paths she had walked as part of her roles at Hogwarts, both as student and as proxy guard. Nobody was going to stop her – after all, life at Hogwarts was going to change forever very soon. What was one Auror walking the halls?

Once she left everyone’s sight, the tears began to fall. Upon thinking of the reason for the tears, she felt worse – she was sad about Dumbledore, everyone was. But she was more upset about the way her declaration had gone, and the way Remus had reacted. She knew he would be crushed by Dumbledore’s death but to brush her off in that way? She felt hurt. She was mad, she was upset, she was _scared._

After what seemed like mere minutes of walking and crying but what was, in actual fact, almost an hour, Tonks found herself near the Gryffindor common room. She figured Remus would be near there, and she figured correctly. She caught sight of him sitting on a bench in the courtyard closest to Gryffindor Landing, and stood there for a few moments, just watching Remus. He was silent, and it was obvious that he had shed more tears since leaving the hospital wing. Everyone had, though, and she knew she could not just let her earlier speech linger without comment. It led her to call out for him, and it left her standing face to face with him, tears welling in her eyes. She’d never asked him not to call her Dora – she always liked the nickname, and found it the only derivative of her name she could tolerate, and even then, he was one of only two people she could really tolerate it from. So even he knew how she must have been feeling when she told him off.

“I… Tonks, I –“ Remus couldn’t find his words, and Tonks clenched her fists. Tears started to roll down her face, and she could almost feel the hue racing back into her hair. It was not pink, though – it was an almost navy blue, seeping into her hair from the roots like spilt ink.

“Don’t – don’t call me that either.” She brought her hands up to hug herself a little, rubbing at one of her arm. Remus’ hands came up in frustration for a second before he brought them back to his sides.

“What am I supposed to call you?”

“I don’t want you to call me _anything_! I – I want you to answer me,” Tonks managed, her voice hitching in her throat as she held back tears, “I – I want you to listen to me.”

“I _am_ listening, I always listen,” Remus replied, taking a step towards her. Tonks held her ground, looking up at him.

“So why don’t you care about how I _feel_ about you?!”

“I _do_! I care immensely,” he took another step forward, and there was now less than a foot between them, “but I – “

“There’s always a _but,_ Remus – “

“Dora, _please!_ I – I have _told_ you, it isn’t _safe_ for us to be together… it would be selfish of me – “

“Not to listen to the woman who loves you? The woman who – who thought you loved her back?!” Tonks shot back, and Remus’ hands came up to grasp her shoulders gently but quickly.

“Dora, I _do_ love you – “

“Then _be with me!_ ”

“I _can’t!_ ”

Tonks shook his hands off her shoulders, stepping back and dropping her hands to her sides again.  

“ _Why not?!_ And I – I don’t want to hear the _too old, too dangerous_ stuff because you bloody well know I’ve heard it all before!” Tonks’ hair was a miserable blue now, which did not match the yelling she was doing. But it reflected how she felt – so, so _sad._

“You _know_ why not, those things you’ve heard are the precise reasons, Dora!” Remus brought a hand up to his forehead.

“No, Remus! I don’t _believe_ them! I have always loved you as you are – I’ve always _known_ everything you are! Before everything! So look, I want the real reason, please, don’t I deserve that?! I thought, seeing as everything’s going to hell anyway, we could make _one good thing,_ Remus, you and me! But if we can’t, tell me the _real reason why,_ please! Is – is it something I’ve done? Am I embarrassing? Have I forced you into this, do you not – “

And then, she looked right into his eyes again, and it was as if something washed over her. She almost looked sick as she took a step back.

“Dora, n –  are you alright?” Remus asked, and Tonks gave a little laugh.

“… _It has to be me_.”

The words left Tonks’ lips quietly, and Remus’ expression mirrored the confusion he felt.

“What has to be you?” he asked.

“… I… this is too much, isn’t it? It… it was okay when we were just shagging,” she laughed again, and Remus looked positively distraught, “but then I stupidly said I loved you. And it’s too much, and you’re trying to tell me that, but you’re too nice to do it.”

Remus wanted to scream that she was wrong, that it wasn’t true, that he loved her more than he could say. But he was too shocked at her conclusion to say anything.

“I… it’s fine. I get it. Totally,” she laughed again, this time at what she considered to be her own stupidity, “it’s okay. We can just stop. It’s fine, really - I’ve had fun, I _think_ you had fun, so we can just,” she brought her hand up, drawing a pretend dot in the air and clicking her tongue, “pop a full stop on all this.”

Remus could not quite comprehend the conclusion Tonks had drawn, which she took as stunned silence that she had correctly guessed what was going on. The tears welled in her eyes again as she nodded, slowly at first but faster as it went on. She had really, _really_ hoped she had been wrong.  Before Remus could get any words out, she had turned on her heel to run off. He blinked once, twice before he realised what was going on.

“No – Dora, wait!” His legs finally caught up to his brain, but Hogwarts was not a place known for having a single, linear path through it. Even in the few seconds since she had rushed away, there were about three paths she could have taken, and he could not hear footsteps. He chose one and rushed for it, but stared ahead and an empty hallway with about six doors leading off of it. For the time being, they were both alone again.

Remus slumped back against the wall behind him, bringing his hands up to his face as he sighed shakily. All he had wanted to do was protect Dora from harm, but by doing so, he was causing her pain.

For their whole relationship, his main concern had been making sure he didn’t put her in danger. And ultimately, that had always outranked her feelings. It sounded awful when Remus put it that way, but a sad, alive Dora was better than a happy, dead Dora.

That also sounded awful, now that he thought about it.

To Remus, keeping the people he loved safe had always been the most important thing to him. It made his werewolf status that much more difficult – he needed to love and be loved, but his condition took away his agency to love and replaced it with raw killing power. It terrified him more than anything, and it truly would always terrify him, he knew that. He also would always have to live with it. It was his burden to bear.

He had never considered what his priorities said to other people.

Dora obviously didn’t see things the same way – she had said that everything was going to hell anyway, and it had him thinking. She followed her heart, and he generally followed his head. But where had that gotten them? She was right – everything was happening around them, despite their efforts. There was a certain amount of inevitability about the situation, and Remus Lupin knew all about inevitability.

There was a loud voice telling him no, he couldn’t even consider this. He should never have introduced himself to her, let alone talked to her, let alone kissed her, let alone more. He should have made himself a stranger to her as soon as possible – but that voice also told him he should be alone forever. He should isolate himself, work himself until his skills were not of use anymore then head off somewhere to die, by someone else’s hand or his own, whatever was most convenient.

That voice was silenced by a hushing one, telling him that, to those who loved him, it would be a fate worse than death. It would be worse than anything he could inflict on them by being connected to them.

And as far as he knew, that was what Dora thought was about to start happening to him.

For once, he had to follow his heart, not his head.

It took him a few moments to come up with places she may have been, and in that time he wandered around, perhaps hoping he would come across her by chance. He didn’t, but eventually, he had an idea – perhaps she would have taken refuge in her old common room. The students had been sent back to bed at this point, and surely had been told to remain in their dorms. It wasn’t unreasonable to think that she might have tried to sneak in there. So, he travelled down past the kitchens, towards the obscured entrance to the basement. It had been a long day and he was tired, but he vaguely remembered how to get into the room. Something in his brain told him to tap the rhythm of the word _Hufflepuff_ , so there he went, tapping _one, two-three –_

He waited for the door to open, but was instead sprayed harshly with vinegar. He immediately winced and stepped back, bringing his hands to his face and letting out an audible wince. He spun around, keeping his hands in front of his eyes. He heard a familiar voice murmur _scourgify_ and the vinegar seemed to seep out of his clothes and away from his skin into thin air. His hands slowly moved away from his face and he blinked, revealing a mildly sheepish looking Tonks before him.

“… it’s _Helga_ Hufflepuff. That’s a first-year blunder, Remus,” her voice was low as she braced her arms back against a barrel behind her, jumping up onto it. Remus looked almost as sheepish as she did, and he hadn’t just allowed her to be drenched in vinegar.

“My mistake,” he remarked, approaching her. The barrel was high off the ground, and Tonks was almost at his eye level at this point. He could swear he saw he recoiling a little, as if preparing for something. Which was true – she was preparing for him to tell him she had been right. Silence hung between them for a few moments.

“… Can we make this quick? I kind of want to get back to my flat,” she muttered, “this day has been hell.”

Remus’ eyes widened – he felt rushed, but he needed to get it out. He knew what she thought, and he knew the conclusion he wanted to reach. He had it all planned out in his head, eloquent and heartfelt, but instead two choked words made their way from his throat, past his lips.

_“Marry me.”_

If Tonks hadn’t been sitting down, she felt as if she would have fallen over. Her eyes widened for a second, and Remus could almost see her heart swelling. But then, he saw her deflate – it was the same series of emotions he had displayed the first night she told him she had fallen for him.

“Remus, you – I know what’s going on, you don’t have to pretend – “

“No! No, no, Dora, please,” he held his hands up, standing right in front of the barrel she was sitting on, “you’re wrong. I love you –“ He paused for a moment, eyes widening – it was the first time he had said it, but it felt so right that he smiled and repeated himself. “I _love_ you, but you’re wrong. You’re so wrong, you have… you have never been so wrong in your life, I imagine.” Tonks’ eyes widened and she leant back a little against the stone wall behind her.

“Wh – is this conversation just about how stupid and wrong I am, because if it is, I don’t –“ Remus cut her off as he shook his head.

“No, no! I – I’m doing this wrong, I know,” he ran a hand nervously through his hair, trying to keep himself from speaking with his hands. He took a deep breath, eyes flicking to the floor to allow him to gain composure. He then looked up at Tonks, a sincerity and calm in his gaze.

“Dora, I… when you tell me you love me, yes, it almost is too much. But only because I love you _too_ , and… and up until fifteen minutes ago, I stupidly and truly believed that… that I was protecting you from harm by distancing myself from you. And I told you that – everything I told you was true, they… they are things I believe, things I can’t stop believing…” Remus’ voice trailed off, and Tonks looked sympathetic immediately. She scooted forward on the barrel to reach out for Remus, but he made it unnecessary. He stepped forward, putting his hands on her knees. His thumbs rubbed against the ripped denim beneath them for a moment as he composed himself once more.

“But you showed me what _you_ believed tonight. And you made it very clear that… that what I am doing in an attempt to prevent you getting hurt… is hurting you.” Remus looked straight at Tonks, and she took a sharp breath in. She didn’t want to agree – Remus wasn’t hurting her, not on purpose. She didn’t say anything, but it was as if he could read her mind.

“It’s okay,” he remarked, squeezing her legs a little, “you can agree.”

“I… you didn’t mean to, Remus, it’s what arseholes have told you your whole life,” Tonks lamented, and Remus tilted his head to the side with a laugh.

“I suppose that it true, but… I care rather more about what you say than what –“ There was a pause, and Tonks smiled.

“Come on, Remus. You can say arseholes. You’re a big boy,” she remarked. Remus smiled and shook his head from side to side again.

“ – than what _arseholes_ say. And… I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Dora.” Remus’ gaze had once again wandered away from Tonks’ eyes, but once he looked back he could see they were filling with tears. He swallowed hard, tears burning at the backs of his own eyes.

“Remus…” Tonks managed, though her voice was weepy and small.

“I… I cannot promise you riches. I cannot promise you a young or fit man,” Remus was cut off as Tonks tilted her head to the side.

“I think you’re pretty fit,” she sniffled but smirked, and Remus shook his head.

“You’re terrible, Dora… but quite honestly, there is not a lot I can give you. I can promise that my anxiety around my condition will remain. I promise I will still worry about your safety every day…” Remus became slightly downtrodden, but Tonks put her hands over his.

“That’s _okay,_ Remus, we can deal with that,” she whispered. He nodded quickly, bringing his hands up to grasp hers.

“I can’t promise you much… but I can promise you myself and I can promise you my very best. You deserve so much more than that, but –“

Remus was cut off this time by Tonks pulling her hands from his to throw her arms around his neck, pulling his lips towards her. Pink flooded back into her hair as they kissed, her legs straddling his waist to allow him to come closer to her and the barrel beneath her. Her hands thread into his hair, and his hands found her waist just as she pulled back, only to tuck her head against the crook of his neck. She brought her hands back before wrapping her arms around his waist, hugging him as tightly as she could manage.

“Remus… you are everything I deserve and then some,” she murmured quietly into his neck, “and I never lie.” Remus looked up and smirked, rolling his eyes a little, and he could almost feel her own smirk against his skin.

“That, in itself, Dora, is a lie,” Remus replied, and Tonks pulled back with a content smile on her face and the pink restored in her hair.

“That’s true,” she remarked, holding the sides of Remus’ robes in her hands, “but the first part wasn’t. You really are more than you believe you are, Remus, I promise you that.” Remus smiled, and there was still an unease in his expression. But he did not seem to care, and it did not detract from the genuine nature of the gesture.

“Thank you.” He almost looked bashful, which had Tonks giggling small. She then exhaled small, eyebrows dipping a little.

“Were you serious about getting married?” she asked, and Remus’ eyes widened almost imperceptibly.

“I – well, it depends on whether _you_ –“ Remus stammered again – what _was_ it about Tonks that made him so ineloquent? Tonks shook her head and clicked her tongue.

“Uh-uh, tell me, from in here,” she reached up to tap at his chest, “doesn’t matter what I think. Were _you_ , Remus Johnny-Boy Lupin, serious about getting married?” Remus found he was holding the sides of her coat as well, and he laughed and shook his head.

“That’s not my name,” he retorted, to which she clicked her tongue and sighed.

“I _know,_ but _something_ has to spice up that middle name of yours. And that means a lot coming from someone with a name like _mine,_ ” Tonks swung her legs either side of Remus, and his face settled into a smile.

“ _Yes,_ I was serious… I figure we’ve been dancing around a relationship for… gods, for about a year now. And with Dumbledore gone…” Tonks didn’t miss the way that Remus’ voice trailed off, and she grasped at his sides gently.

“He would have been happier than anyone to think there was a little more love in the world,” she parroted Professor McGonagall’s words from earlier, which had him smiling small. “Always knew that good old McGonagall was the smartest one around here.”

“Yes, she certainly is the wisest woman I know,” Remus nodded, glancing down with a small, faraway smile on his face. He still looked a little upset, but Tonks squeezed his sides a fraction.

“… Yes, just by the way.”

Remus looked up, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll marry you. Figure it’ll be fun.” Tonks’ smirk was wide and Remus’ expression started changing to match hers. For that moment, he let himself get swept up in the feelings of excitement and joy that came with an accepted proposal. He didn’t speak, though, he simply smiled.

“… And I love you, I guess that’s important too.” Her sarcastic drawl was betrayed by the wide smile on her face, her hair flushing a multitude of pinks. Remus didn’t know what to say, and honestly he worried that if he opened his mouth he might ruin the moment. So he didn’t say anything, he just wrapped his arms around Tonks’ middle and lifted her to him, off of the barrels and into his arms. She let out a shriek, one that may have woken a few sleeping Hufflepuffs, in hindsight. She didn’t care, though – let them all hear, let them hear the sounds of joy when over the next days, weeks and months they might feel only sorrow.

Tonks buried her face against Remus’ neck again, and it took a few moments for him to lower her to the ground. She stayed on her tip-toes to keep her arms around him and head against him, leaning right up to press a kiss to his jaw before she pulled back. Her hands ran down his arms until they reached his own hands, squeezing them gently. It drew his attention downwards, and he glanced to her hand before dipping his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry I don’t have you a ring,” he murmured, his voice small, but Tonks shook her head.

“Remus, I don’t need a ring –“

“You deserve one, though – “

“You keep saying things I deserve and honestly, one, I think you give me far too much credit,” Tonks squeezed Remus’ hands, “and two, maybe I deserve one, but I don’t _need_ one.”

“I do have a plan, though,” Remus interjected, “my father gave me my mother’s engagement ring when she died. I worried I was never going to be able to give it to anyone before I met you.” Tonks smiled and rubbed the backs of Remus’ hands with her thumbs – she could feel small scars under her digits, but she passed over them as if they were not there at all.

“Trust me, I don’t think my parents ever thought I’d get married either. And if I did, it was honestly down to the flip of a sickle if I was going to actually marry a man or not,” she winked quickly. She understood Remus’ words – she knew he hadn’t had many romantic encounters in his life, and even on the people he had been with, a woman’s engagement ring may have looked somewhat out of place. He smiled small – it was important to him that Tonks acknowledged his history openly and warmly, just as he did hers. They truly knew almost everything about one another, but Tonks’ words reminded Remus of one glaring hole in their relationship.

“I’ve never met your parents,” he said, “should I? Will they be mad I didn’t ask their permission?” Tonks scoffed.

“Honestly, I think they’d be more shocked if I was marrying someone who _did_ ask their permission. Besides, it’s not up to them who I marry. It’s up to me. And I,” she leant up on her tip-toes again.

“Choose,” she grasped the sides of Remus’ robes to brace herself.

“ _You._ ” She leant in to kiss the tip of his nose, and he couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.

“And I you, Dora,” he replied, looking down at her and bringing a hand up, pushing some of her hair behind her ear. She let out a little shivery exhale, smiling wide.

“I’m sorry I’ve kept you from returning to your flat,” Remus added, and Tonks lowered herself flat onto her feet, absent-mindedly smoothing his robes out under her hands. She tilted her head to the side.

“Oh, that’s okay,” she mused, “ _but,_ it _is_ very late now. And I don’t think I could _possibly_ get back to my home all alone, _Mister Lupin_.” It took Remus a moment, but the mischievious expression on Tonks’ face plus the way her hand was pressed up against his chest gave him all the confirmation he needed.

“Well,” he looked around, “seeing as I am the only one here… I suppose _I_ will have to escort you home, Miss Tonks.” She giggled and pulled back as he held his arm out, which she grabbed and held tightly.  She knew that the next few days would be rough, and in the morning, Dumbledore would still be dead and the world would still be falling apart at the seams. But maybe, _just maybe,_ that night they could make some good memories to tide them over in the tough times.

“Please,” she remarked, looking up lovingly at the man – her _fiancé –_ beside her.

“That’s _The-Soon-To-Be-Mrs-Lupin_ , to you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I really love this pairing, but for me it's never added up that Tonks declared her love for Remus when Dumbledore died, and the next month they were married. So I wanted to flesh out a little backstory for them (something I'll probably do more of, lmao) and then explain just how they might have gotten from a (largely) ignored declaration of love to the altar in less than a month. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, I certainly enjoyed writing it!


End file.
